I don’t imagine life in fairytales, but I will for the sake of money trees and exceptions I conceive. The substance of life itself, I suppose, can entice anyone within a circumstance to make belief. Still, I feel the weight of participation like callous hands and guarantees, a witness to my heeds. Maybe it’s the reason I find myself unable to neglect the space in between what I’ve seen versus the shaping of what I do or do not believe. For there is a scope of me that others may never know, a cause toward me saying that although I don’t believe in fairytales, I do in the act of forming something out of nothing.
This summer provided for me the kind of light one only hopes to see waiting in ruins. However, it wasn’t exactly a peace offering in its process of presenting. Each attainment that extended an offering to out was only, or so it seemed to be, at the expense I was willing to remove within. And each time I did, I couldn’t help but speculate, calling into question my capacity to prevail. Endeavors I overtook enthusiastically, hoping they’d bring me closer to the person I envisioned myself to be, yet forgetting to approach the limits of stories I still retained but disagreed.
I used to protect the things most important to me by ways of hiding them—things like my emotions, words, or the truth behind my causes of concern. But I have to admit I’ve begun to outgrow the fascination of pretending something doesn’t exist solely to preserve what others wish to obtain. (Pause) because I should probably note somewhere how I’m convinced there are still a few things I’m making an effort not yet to discover. Nevertheless, the point is unraveling. My lesson in learning is that when you bring light to the things that need mending (aka when you’re finally ready to see it for what it is), it starts to get easier in trusting the things you believe.
There have been so many people and beautifully novel circumstances that have crossed my way in the short span of seven months. And although I’d love to write about every one of them, I think I’ll save those stories in the memory bank for a rainy day. Though, there is one to which I think about every day, for it combined each emotion, word, and truth behind my causes of concern to emanate to the surface in a way I’m not sure anything else would have. The overlong process of imagining, reasoning, confiding, and reassuring it took for me to follow through with my application to Graduate School ultimately is what has left me with this question of inspiration. To ask what has more influence over the other in moving us from the aspect of imagining to actively participating in what we end up seeing to transpire in our lives?
Personally, I think it is a little bit of both. And if it weren’t for letting go of some of my outdated beliefs about my capabilities, I probably would have never seen the acceptance letter, which I anxiously waited for every day for weeks. On the contrary, perhaps I would have never even applied had it not been for the appearance of those who believed in what I didn’t. Either way, I will end this post by leaving you with a few lines from my application essay. Consider it my haiku of seeing vs. believing… an “aliku” if you will.
“My dad was someone who believed in me in a way that, for the longest time, I thought only fathers could. His encouraging words then now feel more like a form of advice to me.”
“The perception to acknowledge the moments I’ve been afraid of yet choose to act courageously. I’ve learned that being brave is the ability to confront something without fear, but courage is facing something despite those fears. These lessons I’ve learned in meeting the experiences I once feared will forever…”
“I don’t remember what I said then, but I realize now that I’ve always wanted to choose growth over comfort. A characteristic that has often defined who I am. “
“I have come to discern that pride doesn’t just come from your accomplishments, but from the person you choose to be, something I’ve been working towards ever since.”
“I don’t assume they ever knew that I held the commitments I had like golden tickets to what I imagined could be my life. Little did I know that I would learn a valuable lesson about the impact of opportunity through this. “
“No one required me to spend a good portion of the last nine years of my life devoted to revisiting and relearning the systems contributing to who I am. But in struggling to evaluate who I was, I have grown into someone I’m proud to be”
“Although inspired by the girl I used to be, the woman I am today knows that nothing worth having ever comes easy. From these lessons, I’ve grown in learning just how prepared I am for moments like these.”
Somewhere in-between seeing & believing,