Just when I think I have nothing left to say…I remember one more statement I forgot to make. I’ve been thinking maybe life will always work that way, leaving me to wonder about this idea of “more.” Questions I’ve had about what more I could say trickled into what more I should do. Now I speculate how more is a mystery, and to be honest, I’ve come to love its dependable in that way. Honestly, what more could I ask for than my mind’s ability to discover what becomes marvelous to me day by day?
More: to a greater or higher degree
When I was younger, all I wanted was more freedom. Time alone to go where I wanted, see what I wanted, and quite frankly be who I wanted. But with space came responsibility, and the thought of more felt too vast for “someone like me” at the time. Funny how our minds can also talk us out of the things we genuinely want over time. Which only left me with a settling ache in the pit of my stomach.
I think some people believe that when you stop wanting for more, you’ve reached some epiphany. But what if it’s the willingness to know yourself greater or in a higher degree that is the actual moment of a sudden revelation? The continual process to challenge what you believe and how it expands the world in which you think you’ve seen. I’ve said this before, but I’ll reiterate it now; ignorance isn’t bliss to me. The thought of being unaware of anything that is right in front of me feels pretty frightening to me.
Taking you down memory lane to the moments where this statement qualifies for me probably won’t help much in your self-discovery, but maybe it will help us see how a different viewpoint on what it is genuinely in need of more. Awareness of what we value in our own lives and how we emphasize these needs can move us to a greater level of intention with who we want to be. I cannot even pretend to know everything because I’ve come to depend on these lessons of ambiguity. Something sustainable in its solidarity offering me one more bit of advice when the world around me seems to have stopped turning. So with that, here’s what I’ve been working to focus more on…
Is the thought of being misunderstood something everyone feels growing up, or was that just me? Being more understanding of others is an ironic concept because I feel as though many of us are still struggling to understand who we are. Something is becoming more important to me over time. I want to know what makes people feel alive, what hurts their hearts to the third degree, and how they define serenity. But I figured this wanting probably starts somewhere inside me. I’m coming to realize that we must first understand ourselves, perhaps not entirely but at least willing, to truly understand others. When we stop fearing what we may find within ourselves, we can encourage others to feel the same.
This to a person, place, or calling. I thought about saying love initially because there is no devotion without it. But if you know me then you know I love a lot of things. Like the way paint dries on a canvas when you let it lead, or how in the right light of a lens, there is beauty in just about everything. I even love the darkest of days, the kind that keeps you waiting for it to rain. But devotion requires a profound dedication to one thing. Something I thought for the longest time meant giving up all the different parts and fragments of who I could be. So, I’ve decided instead to become devoted to myself. Not in the way where one believes all that I do is simply FOR me, but rather all that I do is to better know my place in the world around me. I honestly think that we can fulfill our purpose in the world by understanding our site in this world. In taking the time to devote my days to understanding who I am/want to be, perhaps I’ll better understand what makes me feel alive, the people, places, and causes I can trust in my devotion to.
I wondered if sincerity would have helped me to not be left feeling if there was more I could have said or should have done. I often remember how honest conversations can change everything. How different honesty and sincerity can sometimes be. How facts can be blurred by our internal ways of thinking or feeling. As crucial as honesty will always be to me, I’m becoming more inclined to see the beauty of sincerity in spoken words. I’m not sure you can discern truthfulness without first knowing the openness of your sentiments. In speaking openly about how I feel, I’ve come to know the honest nature of the things around me. I want to live a life of genuine sincerity. To do something because I care to and not because I feel as though I have to. I want to tell people what they mean to me simply for the fact that it’s how I think, sincerely. Without the need for a response or affirmation for how I feel…just because not saying it would feel like a disservice to all that I am. I want people to know when they’ve hurt me to the third degree but spoken with earnestness, so they feel the impact of what I mean. I hope to inspire others to live similarly with conviction so that they may speak to me with the same openness, to mean what they say and even challenge my ways of thinking.
…Just when I think I have nothing left to say, there’s more I’ve become willing to say. Memories, although significant, I’ll leave down every lane because I’m more interested in the marvel I get to uncover each day. Perhaps that’s all I need today. To know and love what is within me that even words can not say. A mystery if you will becoming steadfast in that way.
#moretolife #alipptolend #lifelessons