“Here I am again,” I thought as I looked out from my rooftop to the view of the newest city I’d eventually have to call home, this was my third time moving across state lines since graduating high school in 2010. Here I am again, not physically but mentally I continued my train of thought, feeling a certain kind of distantness. I had no reason to not like this place, other than the fact that at this point it was all unfamiliar to me in almost every way other than I was “back home” now. I noticed sitting on the roof of my apartment building that the frigidness of the air against my exposed knees seemed to match that familiar coldness I first felt in my heart any time I changed my address.
I like to think that there are two kinds of indifference you can feel in your soul. One is the tragic kind that comes from the reoccurrence of complete disappointment, it’s a belief that can rob your heart from experiencing the true emotion in which it was intended for. Then, there is the calm kind of indifference the kind that comes from transforming moments of complete disappointment into moments of clarity. A clear window to the kind of heart you hold and what it can and can no longer be concerned with. A witness to what truly matters in your life.
I grew up in Ohio, much like my parents did and my childhood is lined with memories of staying at my grandma and grandpas house right here, in Ohio. This is where I called home, at least from the standards of which meant being born and raised and if you asked me what was most important to me, what I could never do without, I would say my family. A conflicting idea considering for as long I can remember living in Ohio I can also remember always wanting to leave Ohio.
I’ve often been told I’m a person of great contradiction. Verbalized in a less attractive way, of course, and it’s true I must admit that there are (many) times in which I will say or do one thing then find myself later contradicting that same idea. Why do I do this? Why do any of us do this?
My favorite definition of the word ‘Contradiction’ is described as:
| Contradiction: a proposition, statement, or phrase that asserts or implies both the truth and falsity of something |
The fact of the matter is that our words and our actions, instantaneously or in time, will bump into one another and when they do they will either acknowledge each other in one of two ways. If they coincide with one another, the moment will feel like a shared glance with a stranger as you pass them by in the park. A sort of peacefulness in the simple reminder that we are not alone. However, if differing from one another when our actions and our words finally meet it will feel like an eternity. What should have felt like a moment passing by now feels like an inescapable reoccurrence of complete disappointment in every decision we make. We become hesitant to make any decision at all, at least not any that are our own because we’re anxious and drained by defeat.
It’s my favorite definition of contradiction because it gives me the option to choose and my life is after all the product of my choices.
The idea that at any point when we are in a moment of contradiction we are also in a moment of truth, was a blessing to a person such as myself who seems to always be disputing one thing to the next. But here is the key to knowing whether it is our actions or our words that are fictitious, recognizing the attitude of indifference that you are experiencing in your decisions will unlock the door to your truth. Are the choices you’re making coming from a mindset of disappointment? So much disappointment that your heart has been deprived of its ability to be involved and the only out feels like isolation. Or, is your stance on your decision based on knowing and learning from the times of distress?
My misery came from trying to create a life that didn’t align with what I knew in my nature to be true.
The path isn’t paved the same for everyone and all though I may have taken the back the roads, it got me closer to home than any uncomplicated moment of passing by ever could.